i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
