Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
