I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
