Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
