so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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