Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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