The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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