I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
