I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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