Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
