i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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