I wish life had little blips of pornography
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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