I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
