im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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