here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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