my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
