I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
