I need to stop coming to work sober
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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