you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
