You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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