Jerry, you need to find god
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
