i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
