everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
