Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
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thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
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Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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