On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
