Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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