when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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