she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
