I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
