I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
