people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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