and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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