I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
