I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
