i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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