The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
