I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
