Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
