grandma shit on top of the toilet
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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