be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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