I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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