I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
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She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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