she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
