I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
