Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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