Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
