Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
