The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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