We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
