a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If I die, sorry about rent.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
