Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
