That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
