I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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