"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
