Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize