She is in my trunk
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
