Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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