Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
