mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
